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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-18-2007, 05:13 AM Thread Starter
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The Cat's Bill of Rights

I got this from my Chicken Soup for the Cat Lovers Soul book, I thought it was really cute.

I am the cat, and I have certain inalienable rights:

I have the right to walk over your face anytime I wish, day or night.
I have the right to observe and comment on any and all bathroom behavior. Further, I have the right to be highly offended by any closed door.
I have the right to smell your shoes to detemine if you have been fraternizing or cavorting or frolicking with any highly questionable animals.
I have the right to assist in any food preparation, cooking, cleaning or eating event that may occur in the home.
I have the right to wake you at three in the morning if I find my food dish is not to my satisfaction.
I have the right to tip over any water container I deem unsuitable for consumption.
I have hte right to curse at squirrels and birds that may dare to pass my windows.
I have the right to inspect any grocery items that come into the home. Further, I have the right to inhabit any paper bag or cardboard box that you bring home for as long as I wish.
I have the right to nap at any time and place I darn well please, without the distraction of being called or moved just because you want to sit down, wash your hands or use your computer keyboard.
I have the right to sleep on top of any appliance that is warm.
I have the right to assist in any changing of bed linens and to chase the phantom creatures beneath the sheets.
I have the right to look aloof when scolded for mistaking your toes as one of those pesky phantom creatures that hide beneath the sheets.
I have the right to kill paper-towel rolls that otherwise might sneak up on you at night.
I have the right to your complete attention anytime you sit down to read or work.
And finally, I have the right to be loved, petted, pampered and entertained, for, as you know, the best things in life....purr!
And, should you err in your ways, I will graciously forgive. After all, you are only human, but I love you anyway.

The Cat

Last edited by Nikko; 04-18-2007 at 05:15 AM.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-18-2007, 11:34 AM
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That's cute!! I've got a few funny cat things. Here's one
Giving Pills to Pets

How to give a cat a pill

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

Wrap it in bacon.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-18-2007, 11:40 AM
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Here's another one, I liked this one so much, it's printed out and stuck on my fridge!

Cat Resolutions
I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over.

My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum when she sits back down.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so my humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur. )

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are NOT to be played with!

I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the hamper in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Bengal LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill."

I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candlelit bubble bath and singe my butt off.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite own on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to have my human open every door so I can check.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will cease my obsession with the box my humans keep their condoms in This box is not for me. I will not knock it on the ground, I will not sit on it, I will not try to scratch it open. Especially when my humans are using the condoms.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!", and "GET HELP!!!!!"

I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done the first, none of the other things would have happened.

I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom.

I will not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is engaged in the act of mating with my female human, no matter how tempting the danglies are. My humans get mad and I might get free flying lessons.

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-18-2007, 12:53 PM
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-18-2007, 01:04 PM
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hhaha thats great

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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-18-2007, 01:05 PM
Will It Ever Change?
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1 - Law of Cat Inertia:

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion:

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics:

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

4 - Law of Cat Magnetism:

All clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the degree of color difference between the cat hair and the fabric color.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching:

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping:

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation:

A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any countertop which has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration:

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate until he gets good and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Obediance Resistance:

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration:

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state if a cat is present.

11 - First Law of Energy Conservation:

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

12 - Second Law of Energy Conservation:

Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

13 - Law of Refrigerator Observation:

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

"If you can't change your fate, change your attitude." - Amy Tan
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-18-2007, 03:44 PM
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Very good and very like my cat!!
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-19-2007, 12:47 AM
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but you missed one
i will not knock my humans toothbrush into my litterbox then pull it out so she does not know where it has been
and yes my cat did do this i watched him!!!!!!

rest in peace Sebastian my tooth brush habits will never be the same
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-19-2007, 02:28 AM Thread Starter
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Lol, those other one's are great.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-23-2007, 01:38 AM
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They are all great xD!!
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-24-2007, 12:09 AM
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Those are all really funny!!

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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 04-25-2007, 09:16 PM
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I think that Tyler and Bean must have read this. I came home yesterday to catnip tea. They placed one of the catnip toys I made them in their water dish. I laughed when I saw it and thought of this post.

mommy to
Tyler - kitty
Oscar - water turtle
Bean - kitty
Frankie - dachshund
Belle - dachshund
Oliver - bunny
Ophelia - bunny
Penelope - bunny
Teddy - bunny -ok I have given up on 4 of a kind and am willing to settle for 2 pairs.
8 fishes - RIP Little Guy and Greta
and Tabatha - October 11, 2006 - rest in peace our sweet angel bunny
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cardboard box, cat food, chicken soup, fish food, fish tank, food bowl, guinea pig, local pet shop, pet shop, water bowl

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