The Cat's New Year Resolutions
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then
come home and puke them up so the humans can see that
I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall
in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat
litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in
the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and
yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so
that my human can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of
the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any
humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds
outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the
window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will
not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race
outside to chase leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into
the bushes just as my human is explaining to his
girlfriend how graceful I am.
I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I
am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble
bath and singe my bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if
there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and
scratch when my human has to shave me to get the
rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered
creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg
instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts,
and my scream scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the
house. It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not
knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather
small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side)
and expect the birds to just fly in.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can
see me and will move out of the way when I pounce,
letting me smash into floors and walls.
That does not mean I should take it as a personal
insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the
backyard. There have been for several years. I don't
have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon
Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears
in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people
are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else
one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the
air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's
on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms
are not a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not
exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need
my help installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by
stepping on the speaker phone button and then the
automatic 911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is
writing important emiognaioerp ga3gi4 taija3tg aa35 a.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay
in the house and any wild critters (frogs and
earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the
hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in
the fish tank.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be
allowed to remain in its bowl.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are
holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them
underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will
start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty"
and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there
now like "MEAN!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss
her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is
forgiven and can now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter
how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a
fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide
If I must give a present to my human's overnight
guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable
than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to
make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking
my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not
then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the
toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea
with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when
my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap