Humans as Pets
STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS - HUMANS AS PETS
Reprinted from Flights of Fancy
Humans are bright, talkative, and often affectionate. These charming giants can be trained to perform a wide range
of tricks. Be warned, though, an improperly socialized human can be clumsy and even dangerous. When choosing a human, keep an eye out for poking, grabbing, and cage rattling. Fortunately even the most antisocial human can be broken of these unpleasant behaviors. Also be wary of humans who shout the same phrase at you over and over, especially the phrases "poliwahnakracker" and "hello". These humans clearly have severe psychological problems and should be avoided.
Editor's note: Nobody I know can figure out what "pollwahnakracker" means. Suggestions, anybody?
Costs: Humans cost nothing and will often pay for the privilege of being your pet.
Vocalization: Humans tend to chatter away, every waking hour, often making no sense whatsoever. However, with proper training, they can be taught to whistle, especially if you start them off at an early age. On the other hand, if you can learn to mimic their chatter back to them, they will become quite excited, sometimes to the point that they will offer you their food. This is one of the highest compliments a human can give a bird.
Activities: Humans are quite clever and curious. They need a wide variety of toys to keep them amused. Some birds have found that their humans are quite content to sit for hours staring at a television. I do not recommend this, as it makes for a boring companion mammal.
Foods: Humans will eat just about anything. Be careful what you feed them, though. Given a choice, a human will eat foods high in fat, sugar, and caffeine. While such things are fine as a treat, a steady diet of chocolate covered doughnuts and coffee will significantly shorten their lifespan. Make sure that your human gets plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. In short, anything you eat should be fine for your human.