[InspectorGadget]

I know I am relatively new here, but I just need to let something out. Whenever I try to talk to anyone IRL about they just shake their head and refuse to talk to me.

I have been with my boyfriend for the last 6 years. It's been a long time and we are relatively young (only 20). We played the long distant relationship game for about 5 1/2 of those years (we knew each other before he moved due to his dad's disease). But we did okay! We got along great, visited each other every opportunity we had and it was a dream come true. I am in love with him, very much so. I mean, I have to be - I moved 1600 miles to be with him because his university credits wouldn't transfer to anywhere near me.

Ever since I have moved here it seems everything has just taken a nose dive. He is always in a bad mood, and has a tendency to take it out on me. I mean, come on! I am not just some object he had treat like that. We've gotten into countless arguments about it. He has never physically laid a hand on me, and I don't think he ever will. It just pisses me off that he treats me like ****. Just the other day he apologized to me while we were snuggling, saying he doesn't always treat me like I deserve to be treated, and that I'm the only one he has.

I have taken domestic violence courses in the pursuit of my Criminal Justice degree and I know the vicious cycle. That's what it appears to be. He apologizes to me and tells me he loves me and then he turns around and acts like an a$$hole again.

It's taken a devastating toll on my mental state, and I always feel depressed and will randomly cry for no reason. It's hard, because I love him so much. I love him with every fiber of my being. His dad used to treat him like ****, and even broke his finger when we were younger (and which I was present for). I tell myself it's this that influences his anger, but it isn't an excuse.

I know it isn't excuse, so why do I keep putting up with it? I am so ready to throw in the towel and just go back and live with my parents. At the same time I don't want to give up all of the hard work I have put into making this happen. It's such a costly mistake. I mean, I spent over $3,000 in moving costs.

But I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. He doesn't beat me, or prevent me from going out. I have control over my bank account and what I buy/do. But the emotional and mental state of it is hard. He never gives me a hug when I'm sad, or tells me it's going to be okay. He treats me like his dad treats his mom, even though I have let him know this is not okay.

And man, I don't even know what I'll do for the apartment rent if I move out since I'm on the lease. I don't want to pay for a place I'm not going to live in.

Well, I feel a little better now that I have let that out. I still really want a hug though and no one to get it from. It's hard moving to a place where you have no friends.

 

[FlickeringHope]

Some people have a hard time moving on. Nurture takes so much part in how a child develops, and it can be hard to step away from that. But it's something he, and only he can, and has to do.

What does he do when he's angry? Just take it out on you? Perhaps you could tell him to go out and take a walk. What do you guys do together? Anything? My fiance and I found out that just snuggling together watching TV isn't nearly enough. And we had a lot of arguments, silly enough, based around that. He felt lonely, felt that I had other things to do than spend time with him, and it caused him to act out. So we play games together now and that seems to have helped a lot.

A huge portion of relationships is coming to the conclusion that both of you were raised differently, and how you were raised affects the later romantic relationships you get into - a lot - my fiance does the little irritating things he does because that's what he learned from his mom, and as much as he's told himself he *won't* be like her, it can still be very hard to put that wall between you and the source.

Still, perhaps you two could benefit from doing something fun together, like walking, or playing some games. And he could benefit by learning to blow off his steam utilizing other methods like taking a walk by himself, or involving himself in a project. Maybe he just...doesn't know HOW to vent. Parents can do some horrible things to their children that affects them for years...my fiance's mom broke her own wrist years ago by smacking him across the face so hard. Then she turned around and told all her friends that HE did it. No, it's never an excuse later in life to act out irrationally, but sometimes they just need help to be reminded that hey, there are other, less destructive ways to vent!

 

[InspectorGadget]

He fails to communicate. He brags all of the time how he is a great communicator and that is how he got where he is in his job and what not. When he's angry he will ignore me, then when I ask what's wrong he will either act like he didn't hear me or ask me if I have something else I need to be doing. He won't ever let me help him. There are times when he's angry he will yell at me and tell me I annoy him, that I'm lazy, and just basically attack me.

We really don't have money to go out and do a whole lot now that we have animals. He never wants to walk, or go exercise in general. He would rather just play video games - and ones that I'm really awful at. When I play with him he just gets upset because I'm not as good as he is and it will spiral downward from there. Or if we play one I am somewhat alright at he will just complain about how it is boring.

We were just arguing about our situation and he flat out said he was tired of "this" (I am just guessing that "this" is either our relationship or the current situation. I don't know since he doesn't elaborate) and stomped out of the apartment to go to work. I'm just this sobbing little mess now and I feel like crawling up in a corner.

I have been blunt with him about our relationship, and never beat around the bush. I asked him if he was just finished with our relationship and he said no, but sometimes I wonder. He acts like I'm not here sometimes, and when his friends come over he treats me like a little housewife, which is hard for me since I am very independent and hate being told what to do.

He has been really sick recently too. He was diagnosed with gastroitis, and they still can't cure him. He is always sick to his stomach and has really bad digestion problems. I know he doesn't feel good, but I know when I'm sick I don't take it out on him. It isn't my fault the doctors can't fix him. I take him to all of his appointments, take care of him when he is incapacitated from tests (the colonscopy aftermath was interesting), and do all I can to make him comfortable.

I don't really know what else to do.

 

[Kendalle]

I had a time where my boyfriend was grumpy, i still don't know what caused it, i'm guessing things with his family and his school (he is international) Not that it really matters, he was taking it out on me a lot. And i realized i was putting so much effort in him that it was time that i went out on my own, made friends and did my own thing, so i had operation go social. I went out more hung out with friends and did my own thing more often.

It made it better because he missed me, and i didn't need him as much so it took some pressure off of him.

 

[InspectorGadget]

I would love to go out with friends. Problem is I don't have any here. I just moved away from my friends/family about 6 months ago. I'm not really friends with any of my boyfriend's friends because they aren't my type of people. I am very quiet, reserved, and they are boastful and are obnoxious.

I have made a few buddies at work, but because I am a supervisor it is against my company's policies to hang out with them outside of work. I was so excited too, because I really want to make friends. It is lonely here by myself

 

[Dragonrain]

Aw I'm sorry. I can sympathize with you in a lot of ways...My bf (now fiance!) and I had a long distance relationship while I finished up HS and then went to college. Then when I finished college I moved in with him...5 hours away from my family and friends.

I'm shy too, I didn't have a lot of friends here for awhile. Since your on this forum I'll assume you like animals lol, and suggest what I did. I started volunteering at local animal shelters just because it gave me something to do other than work and I liked working with the animals. I started getting involved with other animal related activities, like taking my dog to training classes and dog meet up/play dates and stuff like that. I met a lot of great people at the animal shelters I volunteer for as well as at my dogs classes...it was a great way to meet people with similar interests and the animals are a great ice breaker!

If you have other interests, maybe you can meet people through them instead. Find things that you could go out and do on your own for fun, they don't necessarily have to cost money. Chances are you'll meet people with similar interests that you get alone with, and even if you don't at least you have something you enjoy that you can go out and do.

 

[Purple-Hops]

I'm sorry you are going through this. If something makes you so angry and emotional that every day you know the outcome will be misery and lonliness then maybe it is time for a change. I also noticed that your original post you added that you have taken some domestic violence courses so you can pick out some details of it. Nobody should stay in a relationship they feel this way about. Especially when you are the victim. I know you love your boyfriend and seem to have exhausted yourself about trying to make it work. If he does not enjoy your company like he used to and complains whenever you do games together then maybe it might either be time to visit a couple councillor, therapy or move on. It would be the hardest thing to do, I can only imagine but you are number 1. Remember that. Verbal, emotional and metal abuse is almost worse than physical abuse. I used to have an ex (I say "used to" because those memories are repressed and forgotten about to the best of my ability) who was a controlling a-hole and stalked me to the point of him attacking my sister's friends and I had court bonds on him etc. . . which was the most traumatic experience and now I am in a happy relationship with Matt and we live together going to have our anniversary Feb 21. Once you leave something and garenteed you will find someone who treats you like the queen you deserve to be treated like, you will realise that your actions are correct. A relationship has no "I's" you BOTH have to want it.

I feel bad for saying it too, because you feel love for him. Some people work better as friends and if you two clash like you do and nothing is working maybe you should take a break. A move like that after 5 1/2 years is something that will take time getting used to. If he is used to being alone when he is upset and what not and playing his games he needs to also realise the sacrifice you made to get to him. He needs to express himself or lose you.

 

[Storyseeker]

Ohhhh my love. My heart is in my stomach reading your story.

Of course you love him. He has many good sides. And we can't always help who we love. Where we've put our energy and hearts is where we want to stay.

But InspectorGadget, you are saying it yourself. You know in your head and gut that this isn't healthy for you. What we love /isn't/ always healthy for us. There are so many red flags in your story sweetheart.

I've watched my two sisters and my niece spiral through devastating abusive relationships. My niece is still in one and has a six year old son who is starting to treat her like his father treats her. I can't even begin to go through the extent of psychological or physical abuse she goes through on a daily basis.

My niece's relationship started out exactly--Exactly--As you have described yours. She dated him long distance for 3 years. Once they got together, he'd be in a bad mood all the time, and take out his frustrations on her verbally. He would apologize to her, saying she deserved better. She never thought he'd lay a hand on her...until the first time he shoved her into a wall passing her in the hallway. She started it though, and he was tired and stressed from a grueling day of PT. It was his dad's fault too. His dad used to smack him around growing up.

Yes. You are in an abusive relationship. Abusers aren't monsters. They are regular people. They are a mixture of good and bad like all of us. They love us, and others. They also are terribly, terribly insecure, and good at manipulating other into feeling sympathy for their shortcomings. They are terribly bad at taking responsibility for their actions. Instead they want us to do it for them. It's not their fault, unless saying so means we will forgive them and let them do it again.

Unless we take responsibility and actually make the changes, rather than just talking the talk, we will always follow the patterns established by our childhood. Even if he never lays a hand on you, the very best you can hope for if you stay with him, is that he will always treat you as his dad treated his mom. So at the very best...ask yourself if that is how you are happy to spend the rest of your life. Is the love you have for him enough to be content to live your life that way? How long could you hold on to that love being treated that way day in and day out for the rest of your life?

I say this with all love in my heart to a fellow woman who I would never want to have to go through what no woman should go through....$3000 dollars is a cheap price to pay for your mental, physical, and life path well being.

 

[Purple-Hops]

Tears should never be the price. I agree whole heartedly with Story. My heart extends.

 

[InspectorGadget]

Thank you everyone for the support. It's gotten to the point where I stay from 8 am in the morning to 7 pm at work because I don't want to come home. He crossed the line the other day where he bent my finger all the way backwards. So, it's over. I'm really scared though, and I feel really alone because the only plane ride out of here is in 14 days. No one else had available tickets before that. I don't think this is ever going to work out, and I'm tired of being so far away from everything I know and love. I just have to stick it out for 14 days and hope everything turns out alright.

 

[Purple-Hops]

I'm so sorry to hear. You are making the right decision though. Is there a friend or hotel/motel you could stay if he bothers you? Maybe someone from work? Yes, if he physically bent your finger there's no telling what he might do next. Once you're safely back home maybe try calling the police to file a report so that if he tries this again with someone else they will have a report and will act faster?

 

[christine]

I had a verbal/emotioanl abuse situation wtih james and left him. He was addicted to teh computer and things on the internet, which I won't go further. He can't be on the internet but still disappears to the computer. (He's now living at my parents too so LOL)

I then had a physical abuser I just escaped from December 9th. It was bad but I'm okay fasto h han froM James. I was with james for 5 years and we were 3 months from getting married (whew avoided that bullet!) I know how hard it can be to leave. 1 you're scared of the abuse (been there! I knew I personally had to risk dying to try to live and it was worth it) I can't tell you what decision to make but move fast with the police if you want to press charges. My abuser is getting away with it because I didn't call DURING the situations (ummm I couldn't! but whatever) and make sure you log the best you can when and what happened. That might help. Good luck! If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. I'll do what I can to suggest if you want, or listen when you need.